No Is Not A Four Letter Word

Turn on any broadcasting device and you are likely to hear words that your mama didn’t teach you.  In fact she probably washed your mouth out with soap for uttering most of them. But one of the hardest words for most of us to say still seems to be the word, “No". At least if we want to say it and mean it. 

How much of the stress in your life can be traced back to agreeing to do something that you know now and you knew then that you shouldn’t agree to? Remember the phrase “No more Mr. Nice Guy”?  Well there was a reason that the person speaking reached that decision.  He had finally been used up. We all agree to things to help our neighbors, friends, co-workers and family that we would not even do for ourselves. Why? We don’t want to be the bad guy.  We want to be liked.  If people won’t like you for being honest, you are hanging around with the wrong crowd. Those are the people who will never be satisfied, you can never do enough for them so you might as well cut your losses now. 

I am a credit counselor and a surprising percentage of the people I see got into trouble trying to help someone else. They co-signed a note, loaned a credit card, loaned money that they couldn’t afford to lose, or assumed responsibilities for someone unwilling to take responsibility for themselves.    

Why is it so hard for us to say No without feeling like we need to be in dire straits ourselves for it to be permissible?  Some of us are trying to buy friendship, love, or loyalty.  Some of us are guilted into it.  Some of us evidently walk around with a big X marked on our backs for sucker. And some of us are flattered by the fact that we can be someone’s , anyone’s, savior.   Think about it, if someone owes you money, or a favor, you always have a friend.  And to many people it is easier to buy friends with money and favors than to earn them by being the kind of person that doesn’t need incentives to make friends.

Sooner or later you are going to have to face that person in the mirror and evaluate yourself and your friends.  Which of those friends only call or come around when they need something? How many committees are you on that have taken time away from your own interests?  I would rather have one friend who is there through thick and thin, who has seen me at my ugliest, and is still here, than a room full of acquaintances with their hands out, literally or figuratively. 

My husband is a Mental Health Counselor and has been known to have clients step outside and yell “NO” at the top of their voices. He says that they feel so much better immediately.  Saying No is making a decision. That is another hard thing for a lot of people. Many times people never actually agree to some of the things that they find themselves involved with, they just went along. It may be easier in the short term to go along with the crowd but it will cause major problems in every area of your life over the long haul. 

Saying No is a form of self-assertion that takes practice to prefect.  Agreeing has become a conditioned response and it will take a conscious effort to stop that response and form the proper one. You need to identify the warning signs that signal an approaching inappropriate request. It usually begins with, “Would you mind?”, or  “Honey, could you?”, and ends with “you’re a life saver” or “I knew I could count on you”.  The kind words are as empty as the reasons that the person asking has for not doing their own grunt work.   At first you may feel the need to provide a laundry list of excuses for saying No but you will be surprised how quickly the freedom from unneeded stress will alleviate any lingering feelings of guilt.

There are many areas of our lives in which we feel helpless.  Let’s work on the ones where we can make an immediate difference.  Each success will give you the confidence to tackle one more thing.  You may soon find that there are very few areas that you cannot positively affect.  And at a minimum, you will be able to control your responses.   

If you need help with creditors or creating a realistic budget and setting attainable goals for yourself and/or family, contact Credit Counseling Advocates, Inc for free counseling.  We are in Van Buren at 3103 Alma Hwy.  479-410-1700 or 888-745-4481.